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Traditionally published short fiction.

A BUMP IN THE ROAD ~ Originally published in Literary Yard, July 20, 2024

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            It finally happened.

            Or did it?

            Theo couldn’t be sure.

            Not yet at least. He needed more time to mull it over. Maybe a few days.

            Or a few months.

            He was there when it happened. Of sound body and mind. His instincts were sharp. Theo was good at reading people – a fairly decent judge of character to boot. And he was very observant. Yet he still wasn’t positive what happened earlier that day at work really meant what he thought it meant. Or at least what he hoped it meant. Theo contemplated the myriad of potential outcomes regarding the incident, the probability of each one, and the pros and cons of them coming to fruition. A new degree of anxiety was reached that evening as he drove home from work in his Honda Fit, struggling to decipher whether Roger, the man with whom he had been mildly but not unhealthily obsessed since Roger first started at the office, had inadvertently, possibly passive aggressively, or perhaps subtly intentionally, maybe accidentally, or even unwittingly, indicated to Theo the attraction was mutual.

           Theo tried to maintain his focus on the road, despite having traveled along the same winding asphalt path countless times, which was tragically riddled in small craters like old acne scars, stubborn swells that refused to yield to time, and a complex system of spidery cracks. For a split second, he wondered where his tax dollars were actually going since they were obviously not being spent on repairing the ancient network of roadways on which he routinely traveled. His hands and feet operated mostly on muscle memory, steering the wheel this way and that with barely a thought. After so many years of driving back and forth to work the same way, Theo had memorized the never-ending array of imperfections blemishing the otherwise smooth surface well enough to anticipate their locations and navigate his way around them.

           The monotony of the drive home, however, allowed a part of his attention to remain on the incident at work. This was both a comfort and a distraction as said incident contributed more to his current state of anxiety than the frustration he felt due to the poor road conditions. In the shallows of his armpits, he could feel the skin dampen. A fine layer of sweat broke out on the back of his neck and across his forehead, and his cheeks flushed with warmth. Was he breathing heavier? So it would seem, given the light fog blossoming on the windshield in front of him. Even the side windows bore evidence of his growing solicitude – a hazy gray cloud slowly spreading outward, engulfing the glass.

           Theo guided the compact vehicle through stretches of both rural and urban landscapes, trees lining the road like bored sentinels one moment only to be replaced by rows of small houses and strip plazas adorned in brightly illuminated signs and gaudy advertisements the next. It was a seemingly endless cycle to which Theo was painfully accustomed, the two types of drab scenery playing leapfrog in his peripheral vision.

           Theo took a deep breath and blew it out his nose in an attempt to avoid worsening the fog on the windshield. He gripped the wheel a little more tightly, preparing himself for what he was about to do. He peeked up at the rearview mirror to ensure it was straight and providing him with maximum visibility. Even though it was, he couldn’t resist adjusting it anyway, despite merely turning it slightly only to turn it back to its original position. While his eyes lingered in the mirror, he took note of the fact there were no cars behind him. Nor were there any in front of him, either, which was surprising, given the time of day. Next, he glanced out the left-hand side mirror to make sure it, too, was straight. Then the other one. Both were as right as rain. Theo even felt his body lean forward a little, as if he were on his bike and about to coast down a steep hill. He needed to concentrate, and the less aware he could afford to be of the car, and any approaching traffic, the better. The gravity of the matter required Theo to shut out all other thought so as to give it his most undivided attention in all of his thirty years of giving unfaltering attention to important situations.

           Roger.

           Today.

           Work.

            For just a moment, Theo’s memories were flooded with the scent of Roger’s cologne. It could have been Acqua Di Giò as easily as Old Spice; it didn’t matter. Given the usual pleasantness that accompanied Roger’s presence in all things, especially how good he smelled, whatever fragrance he might apply after washing himself in the morning only served to enhance the fresh smell of soap and his skin’s natural scent – or was that his shampoo? Did Roger use conditioner? If so, was it a rinse or a leave-in? Did he calculate beforehand which scents would work best when blended with others, or did he just randomly apply everything at once, sampling them perhaps individually in the store, and hope for the best? Such a fascinating mystery, Theo thought. Would that he was brave enough to broach this subject with Roger himself one day, or perhaps it was the mystery of not knowing he found so intriguing?

           Not only did Roger smell amazing, but his sandy-brown hair was expertly trimmed and styled so as to appear both casual and flattering. The bed-head look, as the kids called it, the tousled appearance carefully sculpted and set into place by either putty or mousse. Theo imagined this is what Roger’s hair must also look like when he first woke up in the morning, adorably disheveled after a night of restful sleep. He kept his face clean and smooth, nary a trace of stubble on any given day. Theo would bet his entire collection of bootleg Godzilla movies Roger even used moisturizer. Such devotion to his overall appearance and hygiene! Theo’s mother might be as impressed as he was—

           A short but quick swerve of the wheel, as Theo came to and avoided an unexpected pothole that was not there the last time he came this way. Wasn’t that only yesterday? As people heard him say many times before, the city’s infrastructure was certainly going to Hell.

           Momentary crisis averted, and Theo became once again lost in thought. Roger’s face filled his mind. It was androgynous enough to appeal to both men and women, without sacrificing a morsel of his masculinity. He was like one of those Elves in the Lord of the Rings, but without the long, silky blond hair. His cheekbones were chiseled, his eyes deep blue. And his teeth were as perfectly straight and white as to seem like they were bleached daily and, in fact, veneers. Roger wore no rings or necklaces – he didn’t require any additional ornaments to augment his perfect look. He was simply and naturally stunning in every way.

           Then there were his clothes, mostly earth tones, each piece paired together carefully, no doubt well ahead of the day he wore them. Did Roger plan his outfits for the entire week, Theo wondered? Did that make his life easier – should Theo start doing this? His pondering of these questions was suddenly hijacked by thoughts of Roger’s lean body inside and outside of his attire. The way his slim pants and button-down shirts slightly hugged his form allowed Theo to see a lot of his muscle definition. His leather shoes were always polished to a shine, chosen from a collection of browns and blacks, depending on the rest of his outfit. Sometimes Theo could see Roger’s ankles, his tastefully colored socks peering out from beneath the hem. Roger’s ties were also always on point as well, something many men can never seem to get right. It was an art, matching the perfect tie with the perfect ensemble. Roger was a twelfth degree black belt in just such a thing. A rare and admirable skill Theo himself could only hope to possess someday. He was never good at coordinating ties and outfits, though he was shamelessly impressed by anyone who could pull it off flawlessly—

           Theo yanked the wheel to the right – damn squirrels! They can never make up their minds in the moment which way they want to flee to avoid being hit. He briefly wondered if the entire specie’s suffering of ‘decision paralysis’ justified their all-too-often and untimely ends…annoying little buggers.

           Back in control of the vehicle, Theo was once again in the office, as if having traveled back in time to hours earlier when he and Roger stood alone at the water cooler. It was not unlike any other day at the office, where Theo whiled away the hours filling out analytical reports and entering numbers into a computer. He was a human robot in this regard, blissfully comfortable in his routine and the predictability of what he did to earn a living. Anyone should be so lucky as to have their day laid out before them with no chance of surprises or things going awry. Theo wouldn’t trade it for anything. The same faces greeted him every day – some warmer than others. Periodically, these faces would change. Perhaps one would suddenly not be there one day, only to be replaced by a fresh, new face he would eventually acclimate to as well. The same greetings welcomed him at 9AM, and the same partings of farewell followed him out the door at 5PM. Theo brought the same lunch with him every day, too. If one favors a certain kind of food during a particular meal, why on earth would they ever change it up only to be less fulfilled? No, Theo enjoyed his peanut butter and fluff on white Wonder Bread with the crusts removed. He had since he was a child and, to him, nothing else compared in the lunch food realm. Accompanying his delectable sandwich was a banana, a small container of low-fat peach yogurt, and a Ziploc bag containing a single pickle spear – sweet, not spicy. And though he was sometimes teased for it, Theo liked to bring a cranberry cocktail juice box – the bigger ones meant for adults, though, not the little ones for children. Theo had his dignity, after all—

           A loud screech of the brakes, and Theo stopped the car suddenly in front of a well-manicured lawn to allow a young girl to retrieve a bright red ball that had rolled into the road. He was breathing harder now, his abrupt return to reality one that almost had not occurred in time. The possible tragic outcome shook Theo a bit and it was difficult to rein in his heart, which was galloping away at Mach speed. He decided to take a minute before continuing on his way. That had been too close, the girl locking eyes with him as she stood stock-still in the middle of the road, unconsciously tempting fate. Once the girl seemed to realize she would live to play another day, time unfroze and everything returned to normal. The sounds outside that seemed to have gone silent subtly erupted again and the road home beckoned him. Most of all, his recounting of his experience at work concerning Roger begged him to continue. So, Theo obliged.

           The water cooler. The quintessential location for coworker congregation; here, one interacted with their neighbors, sharing their out-of-work experiences of the past week and upcoming weekend plans with friends and family. The chatter was bland, intentionally uninspiring, and meant to ground one in a sense of relaxed normalcy so as not to become consumed by their professional responsibilities. It wasn’t healthy to be overwhelmed or eternally fixated on reports and numbers; sometimes, a person needed a mental break. Theo recognized and respected this basic importance and so frequently visited the water cooler, steering clear of any exchange of gossip, which he believed poisoned morale and was basically asking for trouble.

           It was during one such visit to the water cooler that afternoon, his back having felt a bit stiff at his desk, that he found himself standing alone with Roger. This had never happened before and he considered the improbable chances of finding himself in such a fortunate yet stressful position. There was no one to act as a buffer, no one whose conversation Theo could safely hide behind or play off of during a moment of speechlessness. There was only him and Roger. He couldn’t simply not speak to him – not only would that be rude, but Roger would interpret that to mean Theo had no interest in him whatsoever. And that simply wouldn’t do. It was certainly not the message Theo wanted to convey. And yet it was Roger who appeared nervous, his eyes going everywhere but Theo – the boring white floor tiles, the dusty artificial plant on the counter, and the flyer taped to the wall informing everyone of the upcoming company picnic (for which Theo intended to be conveniently ill).

           They stood opposite each other, neither reaching for one of the many paper cups stacked neatly beside the bloated blue jug turned upside down on the dispenser. Realizing the ridiculousness of his hesitation, Theo quickly retrieved one from the top of the stack. Immediately after, Roger did the same. The two men giggled nervously, which managed to both alleviate and increase the awkwardness pulsing softly between them.As part of the unspoken ritual, a person was required to fill their cup and stand for a moment drinking it before returning to their cubicle. One was not required to drink the entire contents of the cup, only a few sips perhaps, and then either ask another person how their day was going or inquire about their weekend plans, or their spouse and/or children’s well-being. If you were particularly familiar with the person, all three questions in a single conversation were perfectly acceptable.

           Roger, however, was not just anyone. And so these dialogue options seemed unworthy of his brief company. Roger filled his white paper cup first, Theo following suit. Roger slipped his free hand into one of his front pockets, casually, and not as if he was assuming a defensive posture. Theo mimicked the gesture before he could stop himself. So he didn’t appear as if he was simply imitating Roger (which he was), he wiggled his fingers around in his pocket like he was rooting for something. Pretending as if he couldn’t find it, he removed his hand and placed it on top of the counter, leaning his weight on it so he appeared relaxed (which he wasn’t).

           Both men’s gazes wandered aimlessly about, their silence daring the other to speak first. In a willful attempt to view the situation from a more positive perspective, Theo saw this as a fortuitous chance to engage Roger in conversation without spectators; no one to interrupt them or steal Roger’s attention away from Theo. And no one to judge or criticize whatever Theo might say during the course of their interaction. This also meant no one to witness Theo’s reactions to whatever Roger said, however embarrassing or revealing they may be. Such discreet and ideal conditions – an opportunity like this might not present itself again. That being said, what choice did Theo have?

           Carpe diem and all that.

           Theo cleared his throat. “He-hey…Roger,” he stammered. “Do you like…do you ever play, um, Scrabble?”

           Roger grinned without showing teeth. “Do you mean, like the board game?”

           “Well, yeah. The board game or…the uh, phone app. I guess I like the phone app better. Do you play any games on your phone?” Theo took a quick sip of water.

           Having yet to drink from his cup, Roger glanced down at his feet before looking back up again. “I used to play Candy Crush back in the day, but, um…I don’t know, I got a little bored with it, you know?”

           Theo met Roger’s gaze and nodded his head slowly but firmly, as if Roger just laid bare his deepest, darkest secret. “I…totally get that.”

           Roger set down his cup on the counter next to the water cooler, a bit closer to Theo than seemed necessary. He then fished out of his back pocket a cellphone and began tapping the face with his thumbs. “If you ever want to play,” he uttered, still without looking up, “I don’t mind putting the app on my phone. I’m a bit of an English nerd so I love word games.”

           Theo had not expected this and so felt grossly unprepared. He hastily and ungracefully lowered his cup on the counter as well and plunged his hand into his own back pocket to retrieve his cellphone. Quickly, he pulled up the app, getting ready to guide Roger through the process of setting up a Scrabble account. Only minutes had passed since they first arrived at the water cooler, but it felt like hours. Theo was starting to feel the pressure of needing to return to his cubicle lest someone notice and assume the two men were shirking their duties and report them.

            Roger stepped slightly away from the water cooler and lifted his phone into the air with both hands. “Damn service in this place. I almost never have any bars.” He walked a step or two in random directions, moving his arms about while clutching his phone in search of a connection. When he stopped, he was standing uncomfortably close to Theo who dared to step back merely an inch. “Ah, there we go,” Roger said in triumph, ignoring their close proximity. “Okay, just give me a second to download the app and create a profile. This’ll give me something to do, too, while I’m waiting for my bus after work.”

           “Yeah, sure,” Theo hastily agreed, nodding his head once again, almost too vigorously. He pretended to also be fixated with his phone, as if he was merely passing the time waiting for Roger by scrolling through Facebook or Instagram. Theo was suddenly very thirsty and he willed the sweat threatening to break out on his forehead into remaining locked away in his pores. When he reached for his cup again, however, it was no longer there.

           A second before Theo moved his arm to retrieve his water, Roger had done the same…and accidentally grabbed Theo’s cup.

           Lifting his forefinger in an attempt to gain Roger’s attention, Theo spat, “Wait, that’s my—” But Roger was already drinking from Theo’s cup, the same cup to which Theo’s lips were only recently attached. “—cup.”

           Roger held the cup out in front of him as if noticing it for the first time. One might think he had never seen a paper cup in his life, his expression was so quizzical. “It is?” he asked, without looking at Theo. Roger then glanced at his own cup still sitting on the counter nearby. “Oh well,” he said, before tilting back his head and gulping down the rest of the water.

           Roger had knowingly drunk from Theo’s cup. Theo had tried to spare him the embarrassment of doing so, convinced Roger would be incredibly disgusted, even though he believed Roger would have politely tried not to appear so. However, not only was Roger not disgusted, he returned his mouth to the cup where Theo’s had been shortly before that and took another drink – finished the water, in fact. Nobody does that. Not in this day and age where germs and illness is feared as if it were the Middle Ages again and thoughts of the black plague hounded people’s nightmares. Nobody did that unless they wanted to send a message, convey interest, perhaps of the romantic persuasion. It was akin to the accidental brushing of fingers, perhaps from walking too closely together, where the two hands unintentionally yet pleasantly enter the other’s sacred space. Sometimes, after doing so, the hands become clasped together, fingers interlocking either tightly or loosely, depending on the level of attraction. Roger had just performed the water-cooler-equivalent of their fingers having barely touched…and then clasped his hand tightly around Theo’s by taking the second drink.

           Right? Theo wasn’t misinterpreting any of this…was he?

           After setting down the empty cup, Roger flashed Theo a smile – plenty of teeth this time. “Well, I’m gonna finish this Scrabble thing back at my desk before someone notices how long I’ve been away. I’ll swing by after and get your username so we can play. Sound good?”

           Swing by and not email, he had said. Theo took a second to acknowledge the meaningful difference. “Yeah, sure…sure…Roger, sounds good. I look forward to it.” Theo attempted a grin but it quickly dissolved into a nervous chuckle.

           “Great,” said Roger, placing his hand lightly on Theo’s forearm. “See you soon.”

           And then he was gone, the place on his arm where Roger’s hand had been only a moment ago suddenly warm—

           Theo’s vision blurred as it suddenly adjusted to seeing the road in front of him again – a turn he nearly forgot, despite having driven on automatic pilot for most of the way so far. He turned the wheel hard to the right, the sound of the back tires screeching reverberating in his ears as he completed the Dukes-of-Hazzard-worthy maneuver. If he was breathing heavy before, his breath was coming out in huge gasps now. That was close, and he had risked nearly running off the road rather than safely slowing down and merely backtracking a bit. What was he thinking? Where was his head, besides resting on imaginary-Roger’s chest as he listened to him talk about anything? Theo struggled to get his breath under control, lightly pressing the brake pedal and assuming a more appropriate speed, which helped him to regain his composure.

           Once order had been restored to his evening drive, and he was breathing like a normal person again, Theo returned to the sequence of events that currently had him both terrified and elated.

           Roger.

           In his customary fashion, yes, Theo could easily be overthinking everything that happened. He could be reading into the fundamental details with the biggest metaphorical magnifying glass the world has ever seen – as he was wont to do, especially if it was something he really wanted. Things had occurred and things were said that pointed to a multitude of possibilities. Roger may have been flirting with him. Roger might even desire him, either romantically or platonically. It didn’t matter. For all he knew, Roger had been watching Theo from afar all this time as well, hoping such a thing would eventually occur as what had taken place at the water cooler that day.

           Or…

           None of it meant anything more than what it appeared to be on the surface. Roger was merely being friendly. Perhaps he was shy and found it difficult to speak to people when he first met them. Perhaps he was genuinely interested in playing online Scrabble. Perhaps he was humoring Theo in hopes of the entire encounter being over all the more quickly. But the biggest perhaps of all might be that Roger simply wasn’t uncomfortable sharing a cup with a strange man. After all, Theo knew very little about him, if anything at all, aside from his impeccably good genes, dashing taste in clothes, and congenial mannerisms (and, of course, that he was an “English nerd” and loved word games). That wasn’t much to go on to form any sort of substantial opinion. Perhaps Roger grew up with brothers, played all-boys sports, or went to an all-boys school, and so was desensitized to such things. Who knew? Perhaps Theo would learn the truth down the road, if anything came of them playing Scrabble on their phones together. Perhaps they would have many more encounters at the water cooler, which might lead to a deeper understanding of each other. Perhaps they would do more than grin and say “hello” when they passed each other in the hallway, or when they arrived at or left work for the day.

           Perhaps.

           Perhaps.

           Perhaps.

           Down the road.

           Yes, down the road. Sometimes Theo believed he deserved good things. This mostly applied to polite waiters, a low ticket number when waiting in line at the deli, and a convenient dip in gas prices when he was planning to visit his mother one state over. Never in matters of the heart, though. His poor self-esteem would never allow for something like that. So he mostly just hoped for the best while expecting the worst. Most of the time, he was disappointed. Perhaps Roger entering his life is when everything would finally turn around in his favor, though he didn’t have the highest of hopes such a thing would come to pass. Wishful thinking. Perhaps his negative mindset regarding the water cooler incident was just a bump in the proverbial road. A road that led to Roger and him becoming better acquainted, regardless of the nature of their relationship. Maybe this was a realistic thing to hope for. A bump in the road; a road that, however nerve-wracking and imperfect, ended at a much-desired destination. This was something that Theo—

           WHAT THE HELL!

           These were the last words that crashed through Theo’s mind before he threw all of his weight into turning the steering wheel to the left, the vehicle careening hard to one side and skidding diagonally across the road. The panicked phrase, which he had uttered many times in his life for a variety of reasons, punched through the thick daze and dreamy sequence that had become Theo’s thoughts about Roger with all the might of an angry god.

           Awash in the glow of the headlights, Theo saw something in the road.

           A large stone…no, wait…a bag.

           An ordinary brown paper bag, bulging slightly with the mystery of its contents, and folded shut.

           And it was lying directly in the path of his car.

           At the last possible second, Theo had attempted to swerve around the bag out of instinct – there was no telling what was inside. Perhaps something that can damage or puncture his tires, thus leaving him stranded on the side of the road for hours while he waited for a tow truck. Additionally, the sun had almost disappeared behind the horizon and darkness was settling in. The stars were out and an unforgiving moon was glaring down at him.

           Try as he might, however, Theo failed to avoid it completely. One of his tires ran over the bag, the feeling of the vehicle passing over something solid causing his stomach to ripple with revulsion and fear. For, in the final moments before this happened, as Theo’s frantic gaze remained fixed on the bag, he could swear…

           …he saw the bag move.

           Ever so slightly, yet movement nevertheless. Implying…something alive was inside the bag before Theo crushed it with his car.

           By now, the car had come to a complete stop. There were no other vehicles in the vicinity. Theo was essentially alone. No one witnessed the incident. No one to judge his actions, save the cruel moon.

           In times of extreme distress, Theo was often overcome by random thoughts. Childhood memories, scenes from a movie, or even snippets of past conversations. Perhaps it was his mind’s subconscious way of distracting him or comforting him. He never attempted to understand it; he only valued its effects. Right then and there, while looking up at the sky, he recalled a line from one of his favorite poems:

           Heavy with moonlight,

           I grasp at shadows

           Leaking from my eyes

           Like oily tears

           Theo dared to turn around, the motion of his head so slow as to seem to take years for his eyes to face the opposite direction. They stopped directly where the bag lay in the middle of the road, silent and unmoving, flattened grotesquely against the hard, gray surface. There was just enough daylight left to behold the bag and its sorry state, and that was when Theo noticed it. The dark red liquid pooling beneath the bag, slowly creeping across the asphalt like malicious shadows encroaching upon a bright summer day.

           Theo couldn’t recall the moment he stopped breathing. He could only remember afterward the clarity of what occurred manifesting in his thoughts. Whatever was in the bag was either wounded and therefore suffering…or dead. Whichever one, Theo was the cause. Why this being or creature was placed inside the bag and discarded in the road in the first place was beyond him. Had the bag fallen off a scooter or bike? The roof of a car? Abandoned in the road on purpose? Was the owner of the bag hoping a vehicle would come along and perform the very grisly task Theo had unwittingly carried out because they hadn’t the courage to do it themselves?

           A parade of macabre possibilities passed through his mind rapidly, the majority being the endless variety of living things that may have spent their final moments on earth trapped in a bag only to be pulverized by a car driven by a lovesick and distracted driver. A bag of newborn kittens the owner wanted to be rid of? A nest of mice someone found in their attic? A sick pet, like a ferret or guinea pig, that someone couldn’t afford to have put down? As he found himself slipping down this rabbit hole of heartbreaking scenarios, Theo’s thoughts turned even darker, each one more gruesome than the next. Whether out of fear or denial, he managed to reel them in before his imagination got the best of him.

           The irony was not lost on Theo. While contemplating the proverbial bump in the road in regards to his love life, he experienced a bump in the road of a more literal kind. Was there meaning in the connection, he wondered, the universe’s way of explaining things to him more dramatically? Was it a sign of the potential repercussions should Theo pursue Roger’s company in anything but a friendly way?

           Who knew?

           Nobody, that’s who.

           There was only one thing to do. Whether Theo liked himself very much afterward for doing so didn’t make a difference. The alternative was too much of a risk, the likely result being something from which he might never recover. And Theo never did handle guilt very well. Just as slowly, he turned his head back around to face forward, placed his quivering hands on the wheel at ten and two, steadied his breath to the best of his ability, and resumed his journey home.

           Had Theo bothered to inspect the bag up close, he would have noticed the punctured juice box from which cranberry cocktail spilled out onto the road. Part of a meager lunch that also consisted of a bologna sandwich and a plastic baggie stuffed with nacho-flavored Doritos. He would have also noticed the child’s cellphone – a prepaid device their mother insisted on them bringing to school in case of an emergency. Right before the bag suffered the wrath of Theo’s car, the child’s mother had been calling, the phone buzzing and vibrating incessantly inside its paper confines…for the child never came home that day.

           Instead, Theo returned home to his life – considerably shaken but not in shock. He began his nightly routine in silence, already thinking about tomorrow and what he would say to Roger if he managed to summon the courage to speak to him again. After all, they had a Scrabble date—sort of.

           Perhaps Roger would honor it.

           Perhaps not.

           After all, Roger never did swing by Theo’s cubicle before the end of the day to exchange usernames like he said he would. Theo contemplated going over to Roger’s cubicle before they went home but thought better of it. He didn’t want to seem too eager or pushy. Besides, Roger might swing by his desk tomorrow instead. Perhaps doing so merely slipped his mind and Roger was drowning in a lake of regret at that very moment. Perhaps he would make up for it tomorrow and bring in coffee and bagels for him and Theo. Perhaps he would simply apologize and they would play their first game.

           Then again…perhaps not.

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THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR ~ Originally published in Literary Yard, July 20, 2024. Republished in CC&D magazine, October 1, 2024

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WHY HELL HADN’T OPENED up and swallowed this shithole by now is something Mary would never quite understand. Rudy’s Bar & Grille, known affectionately to its regulars as Satan’s Armpit. Or, “The Pit” for short. The last time she was here, over thirty years ago, she swore she’d never come back. Next thing you know, it’s Christmas Eve 2023 and she’s already two beers in. Mary sat alone at one of the dining tables, far enough away from everyone as to appear not worth the trouble of walking over and striking up a conversation. The last thing she needed tonight was a new friend.

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Daring to look around, she took stock of the familiar sights. The neon beer signs hanging on the paneled walls still flickered obnoxiously. The clack of the pool balls hitting against each other made her flinch, just like they used to. The country music blaring on the ancient jukebox near the cigarette machine made her skin crawl, and she suddenly missed the piercing wail of Axl Rose demanding to be taken to Paradise City. The air still smelled like a smoke-filled living room at a family gathering in the 80s. It was illegal to smoke in bars now, but she knew the cops never bothered with this place, so there was no one to tell people they couldn’t light up. The linoleum floor, which probably hadn’t seen a mop since the bar first opened, was covered in sticky patches of spilled booze. Mary always hated the grating sound her shoes made whenever she walked across it, as if she had duct tape stuck to her soles. None of the tables sat flush against the floor, many of which had matchbooks stuffed beneath one of the legs to keep them steady. Some things never change, she thought.

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Rudy’s was never the kind of place you came to in order to enjoy a night out with your friends. You didn’t come here to blow off steam after a hard day at work. You didn’t come here after spending hours getting ready in hopes of finding love – whether for the rest of your life or only one night. It was the kind of place you came to because you had nowhere else to go. Or the alternative was worse.

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The dark and sullen faces at the bar were proof of this. Alone or in small groups, they stared into their bottles or glasses, as if the answers to all their troubles lay at the bottom and they had only to finish the toxic liquid inside to reach them. Few words were exchanged, if any at all, save those necessary to order another round. Sometimes a gesture would suffice. Most people left at the end of the night feeling unredeemed or unfulfilled, even deeper in their shit than when they first arrived. At least Mary always did.

 

The faces may be different, but it was as if time had frozen since she was last here. Or time simply didn’t exist in this tiny pocket of the universe. A virtual purgatory for the hopeless and the damned. Then what does that make me? she mused.

 

If you were a bored teenager, however, and gleefully aware that Rudy’s didn’t card, this place was nirvana. The bar’s unsavory ambience was easily ignored by those ambitious enough to indulge temptation. In fact, it only added to the establishment’s appeal. To someone that young, the bar reeked of all things adulthood, a mundane stage of life many kids naively anticipated. But when you’re on the other side of it, adulthood seemed like a land of adventure, freedom, and endless pleasure. All the fun and delectable things childhood unfairly denies you, with its petty rules and parental restrictions.

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Mary had been one of them once, many moons ago. In a short period of time, she managed to accumulate an impressive collection of heart-wrenching memories. They clung to her all through adolescence, holding on for dear life while battering her spirit mercilessly. Every day was another battle, a perpetual struggle to keep the pain at bay. Unbeknownst to those who only knew her as a grown woman, many of these bitter memories took their first breaths here. Broken hearts, broken promises, broken people; they flowed steadily through Rudy’s doors like a nameless river that went nowhere. Mary was a fallen leaf, trapped in the treacherous current, and fated to never reach the shore.

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For her, this place was an emotional crime scene, her heart having left bloodstains no detective would ever find. Whether in the ladies room or the men’s room. The kitchen. The parking lot by the dumpster, or the poorly lit booth in the far corner. A few times in the manager’s office. She hadn’t been a waitress or a bartender. She wasn’t the girlfriend of some musician whose band was playing on a Saturday night. She wasn’t even a patron. Not really. She was a childhood friend of the owner’s son, Jimmy. In time he became more than a friend. Even then, it was all good fun. Nothing serious, or so she told herself. Mary didn’t have time for anything more anyway. Not with school and her family. Her father hadn’t been well, and when she wasn’t at school, she was home helping her mother tend to his every need. Who had time to be someone’s girlfriend back then? Besides, Jimmy wasn’t the only one. Not even close. Rudy’s was a garden of earthly delights. And for a young, healthy girl like her, who laughed in the face of inhibition, every lost soul who entered was an unexplored world, a taste never sampled, a scent never inhaled, and another chance to breach the rift between her and what she imagined true intimacy felt like. She had crossed the bridge of desire many times over the years, and what waited for her on the other side failed to live up to her expectations. Every time. Yet that never managed to discourage her from trying again. Until it did, and her body became a jaded shell of emotional destitution. The only sort of protection she would ever know. A warning sign to all future prospects to stay away. Unfortunately, they listened.

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Jimmy was the closest she came to knowing the romantic love of another. Mary realized this in hindsight. It only took her nearly forty years to admit it. Giving a sixteen-year-old girl a boy’s heart was like putting a decrepit, old man in charge of the nuclear codes. You risked the destruction of something beautiful. Eventually, Jimmy moved on. Went to college like good boys do. Mary did too, but the one he went to was in another state. Far away from her. Good for him. He at least made it out of this town with his soul intact.

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So what was she doing here after all this time, Mary wondered? This place that was a haven for her ghosts and demons yet somehow managed to lure her back. The prodigal whore returns. And what did it have to do with reminding herself what a foolish girl she had been? Why was she inviting every past mistake to slap her repeatedly in the face, begging them to do it again before they even retracted their hand? Mary was not the sort of person who allowed herself to feel vulnerable, not ever. It was an unspeakable crime against dignity – what little she had left. Yet here she was, an impoverished city with no defensive walls, all but asking the enemy to raze it to the ground. What would they find when they rummaged through the rubble? Anything worth salvaging? She doubted it. Let the wind carry away the dust and bones they leave behind. Let history erase her from existence, for all she cared. She didn’t deserve to be remembered.

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Mary wrapped her hand around the pint glass on the table in front of her and lifted it to her painted lips. The warm beer felt good against her tongue, a reminder of better days. Keggers in the woods behind the school during finals week, and playing Truth or Dare around a fire where the only option anyone ever chose was dare. This was before the tether of maturity coiled around her young neck and choked from her any trace of hope and optimism. Before the magic of independence dissolved into dark shadows, transforming into the monotonous toil of full-time work with little time for play. The closer she inched toward 50, the less time there was on the other side to make things better. The less she dreamed and the more she grudgingly accepted the way things were – and would likely always be.

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Mary moved the glass away from her mouth and stared at the cloudy splotches of red lipstick left behind. When the glass was empty, she would need to touch up in the bathroom. Not that she had anyone to impress; she just liked fooling the world into thinking she had her shit together.

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Glancing around the room again, her eyes rested on aspects of the seedy atmosphere she at first had turned a blind eye. They were symbols of something greater. Physical manifestations of her gloom, resentment, and testaments of the fact that the best years of her life were behind her. An artificial Christmas tree stood against one wall, no taller than she. The branches were spaced apart far enough so you could see the pole in the center to which they were hopelessly attached. Nothing about the tree appeared natural. The green of the needles didn’t even look like a color found in nature. She used the term “needles” loosely as they looked more like old pipe cleaners, twisted into awkward angles in a feeble attempt to resemble something alive. They put this tree out every December for as long as she had been coming here. No doubt it was older than her, she presumed, likely purchased on clearance at some retail store that no longer existed, like Bradlees or Caldor. From its pathetic branches hung a few red and green balls, their glass shells streaked with dark scratches that marred the colored coating. Like a snake too old and tired to squeeze to death its captured prey, a limp strand of colored lights wrapped around the length of the tree. Some of the lights even worked. Mostly, they just flickered weakly, like dying fireflies at summer’s end. There were no gifts beneath this tree, no colorful skirt to hide the ugly metal stand that kept the tree upright. No one paid the tree any mind, and if they never put it on display during the holiday season, she didn’t think it would be missed.

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Along the entire length of the bar was another strand of colored lights, tucked beneath the overhang. Every foot or so, the strand was attached to the bar with masking tape, the drooping sections in between resembling a string of weak smiles. These lights also flickered, struggling to remain lit for the duration of the month.

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The bartender, a woman who Mary could swear she went to high school with, was wearing a Santa hat, clipped with bobby pins to her bleached-blond hair. The hat invited a lot of unwanted comments from some of the men, mostly about sitting on their lap, asking her if she’s been naughty or nice, or whether she wanted to visit their North Pole. The few women standing close by either stared awkwardly at the ground, or pretended to be distracted by something on the other side of the room. With every crude and uninspired remark, the bartender either ignored these men or smirked – depending on their level of creativity and how much they tipped, no doubt. Like Mary, she probably knew they were harmless, defeated by life, and it was simply a lame display of male prowess, of asserting their dominance over the female species in the wild. But their efforts were hollow; they were merely peacocking, more for the other men’s amusement than because they expected the bartender to be flattered by their attention. These weren’t the same men who Mary would’ve once charmed into buying a girl young enough to be their daughter a drink. Cut from the same cloth, perhaps, but not the same. These men lacked the cold, predatory edge of someone freed from the constraints of morality and would likely have sooner driven her home or insisted she call her mother.

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Christmas. Perhaps the only time of year when Mary felt a slight breach in her defenses, the hardened shell she came to rely so heavily upon the rest of the time a little softer in places. The feeling terrified her, and she likened it to thinking about her reckless youth. Both made her feel uncomfortably exposed and her only means of staving off the pain was to embrace it. Like her past, there was no avoiding Christmas – the queen mother of all holidays. There was nowhere in the country you could escape to where it wasn’t celebrated. As a kid, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. As an adult, it was a malicious specter who callously haunted those for whom the holiday once brought joy. With the passing years, time took from her some of the key people with whom she once shared this glorious holiday. Her father and grandparents, for starters. Until Mary was well into her twenties, both her grandmothers had been the high overseer of their respective Christmas celebrations, supervising every aspect of the festivities – her father’s mother Christmas Eve, and her mother’s mother Christmas Day. From every plate or bowl of food that appeared on the dinner table to when the children – wracked with anticipation – would be relieved of their suffering and finally allowed to open presents. You would have thought Christmas began and ended with her grandmothers, so thorough and absolute was their presence. Their beautiful faces were ingrained in the very fibers of each decoration, their lively spirits every intonation of the voices singing holiday classics on the stereo, as if these women themselves were a sacred Christmas fixture. Their laughter wove a musical tapestry of merriment that permeated every inch of the house and the idea of Christmas occurring devoid of the sight and sound of them seemed agonizingly preposterous.

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Mary could still recall being one of the children running around during each of these occasions, weaving carelessly in between the gathered adults, who either stood or sat about with their glasses of wine and cigarettes, immersed in conversation. Where once she and her cousins bonded over such revelry, either speculating on Christmas Eve what Santa would bring or sharing news of what treasures he brought that morning, these people were now strangers with families of their own who had since moved away. She still received Christmas cards from some of them, but they felt more obligatory than because they genuinely wanted to stay in touch. Mary didn’t hear from them any other time of year, not that she bothered to maintain contact with any of them, either.

 

There was a time when she even bought into the whole religious thing and believed Christmas was the day Jesus was born, the guy who said everything would be okay if you only believed in him. Kind of like Santa Claus. If you believed in him, too, you would get presents. In the case of Jesus, you would get a place in Heaven when you died. Both were enticing to an impressionable child, especially when it was adults who first explained all this to you. Adults like her parents who she trusted unconditionally. Time would prove otherwise, of course. It wasn’t long before she learned there was no Santa Claus – he suspiciously had the same handwriting as Mary’s mother, and used the same wrapping paper. Soon after, the idea of Jesus and Heaven seemed just as absurd if not impossible. And just like that, all the magic that filled her childhood with mystery and wonder was gone. Vanished in a flash of cruel logic and sensible deduction. Murdered by maturity. But for a while, the delusion had been enough. These things gave Christmastime a purpose, a substantial reason for being, and not just an excuse for gaudy decorations and time off from school. Christmastime in a person’s forties was a reality check, a time to pause and reflect on the good times gone. A reminder that this time of year will never be the same and there was nothing about it worth looking forward to. It was a mental prison of sentiment and nostalgia whose high concrete walls were covered in cheap plastic images of anthropomorphic reindeer, manically grinning elves, and fat bearded men; an abyss whose icy winds were the ghostly voices of Bing Crosby and Burl Ives. And in the distance you could hear the foreboding clink of Jacob Marley’s rattling chains.

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Mary believed you have three chances in your life to experience the magic of Christmas: as a child yourself, when you had children of your own, and when you had grandchildren. As a child, you’re unaware of these three precious phases because you’re only living in the here and now. The future was centuries away, and you could never imagine yourself as a parent much less a grandparent. But youth is fleeting and deceitful, and in no time, you’re poring over unpaid bills and realizing you have a favorite stove burner. When you’re a kid, you think you’ll be young forever. Adulthood is for those who stopped believing in magic, or so the cheesy kid’s movies we grew up with assured us. You never really get older if you maintain a childish quality, a pure and innocent perspective. Bullshit. Adulthood sneaks up on you when you least expect it. A classmate you play with every day at recess dies in a car accident before you’re able to comprehend people your age can die too, not just the sick and elderly. This means death could take you any time, another unfathomable event when you spend every waking moment in the comforting illusion of youth’s safe and loving embrace. Harsh realizations like this force kids to grow up quicker than they deserve. Mary could still see the little girl’s face in her mind; her name was Rachel, and she wanted to be a famous actress someday. Whenever Mary thought about her, she tried not to imagine Rachel’s small, lifeless body amid a pile of twisted wreckage. But it was hard, and never got any easier.

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Mary eventually had a child of her own, Sarah, but she grew up as well. Sarah told her she was gay and never wanted kids, so Mary would miss out on the grandchild stage of Christmas bliss. Sarah moved out of state with her partner five years ago and she almost never calls or emails her anymore. Still, Mary had the early years with her, the ones where parents get to re-experience the magic of Christmas vicariously through their children. It was different, though. Muted, in a way. Mary never expected to feel guilt when first telling her daughter about Santa, the trusting gleam in her bright and innocent eyes. Again, children trust their parents unconditionally, and Mary was telling Sarah a bold-faced lie that would someday be found out. Mary always believed Sarah would resent her and perhaps develop trust issues. Sarah would someday tell her therapist how it all began when she was duped into believing in Santa Claus because her so-called loving mother told her he was real. Mary never looked forward to the impending disappointment and the inevitable dissolution of the magic for her daughter as well. So, Mary bided her time, watching Sarah open presents on Christmas morning with Christina Aguilera’s Christmas album playing in the background. Sarah still believed there was genuine magic in the world. How envious Mary had been of her in those moments. She should have been grateful she could give Sarah these memories. Instead, Mary berated herself for allowing her daughter to believe the magic would last forever. She never told Sarah otherwise, never advised her to appreciate every magical moment because they would one day disappear into the dark and moldy cracks of adulthood. Perhaps one day Sarah, too, would be sitting in a bar like this, lamenting the past and remembering how much better things used to be.

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And yet, after going out of her way to forget this place existed for so long, none of this explained Mary’s reasons for being here now. Why would she sit stewing in her own misery inside a dismal place like Rudy’s on Christmas Eve, she silently inquired? The bar was an open sore on the thin walls of her heart, a putrid stain on her formative years. They say a killer typically returns to the scene of the crime. A seemingly innocent bystander watching the forensics team work to uncover his identity from the safety of a crowd, an air of smug satisfaction enveloping his soulless form. Similarly, an earthbound spirit haunts the place where its body left this plane of existence. Usually, the death is sudden, violent, or tragic and the ghost isn’t aware it’s dead. In both instances, someone is inexplicably drawn to where an experience shaped them or altered them forever. Metaphorically speaking, either of these were acceptable explanations regarding Mary’s presence here tonight. Though in her case, she was both the murderer and the lonely phantom adrift on the seas of eternity.

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Truth be told, Mary had no idea what compelled her to come here. Why she suddenly got up from the couch in her apartment and journeyed to this location. It was as if the decision hadn’t been made with her rational mind, but rather her other self, who operated solely on emotional instinct. Her body had moved on autopilot, vaguely confident some sort of explanation would be waiting for her once she arrived.

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Taking another swig of beer, she thought about the old saying “hair of the dog.” In Medieval times, it was believed the most successful treatment for a rabid dog bite was to press the hair of the dog that bit you against the wound. This same concept was later applied to the idea that a cure for hangovers was to drink more booze. When you stop drinking, you deprive your body of alcohol and it goes through withdrawal. Some people actually believed this worked. So when Mary thought about spending the evening at Rudy’s, reminiscing about everything wrong with her life, and everything unfortunate that transpired, she came to a logical conclusion. Being somewhere that caused you immense pain was an effective distraction from whatever was causing you lesser pain. Like her first taste of love, Christmas never set out to break her heart or betray her. Yet somehow it did when she wasn’t paying attention.

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Mary sat back in her chair and folded her arms, her weary gaze trailing off beyond a scattering of empty tables and chairs. Her vision blurred in deep contemplation as her existential predicament fell into focus. There are significant parallels between our first brush with heartbreak and the end of childhood innocence. Both changed us forever and left us feeling profoundly susceptible to further damage. Our only hope of survival depended on whether scars formed over these wounds, serving as a reminder of what we risked, lost, and sometimes gained. Whether what we acquired was priceless wisdom, a bittersweet memory worthy of occasional reflection, or the ability to appreciate an imperfect life. Someone once said you can’t go home again. Yet someone else also said the best way to find something you lost is to retrace your steps.

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Mary pulled out her phone and stared at the black-mirrored face, contemplating drastic measures. Setting her glass down on the table, she reluctantly dialed the number and lifted the phone to her ear. Three rings resounded until a familiar voice broke the repetitive noise and said her name.

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“Hi, mom. Yeah, it’s me. What are you doing?…Watching A Christmas Story?…No, I stopped watching that one a long time ago…I know it reminds you of me when I was little. You might find this hard to believe but they’ve actually made a lot of really good Christmas movies since then…Like what? Oh, I don’t know, there’s one I like on Hulu called Happiest Season. Came out a few years ago…Yeah, it’s a feel-good flick…Why? I don’t know…No, I don’t have anything against the classics…Because I spend too much time in the past this time of year, that’s why. I need to get out of my own head, and sometimes that means watching a new Christmas movie. Maybe it’s my only hope of ever finding peace during this freaking holiday, you know?…What?…No, don’t worry about it…I know I’m not making any sense. Everything’s all right, I promise. Haven’t jumped off a bridge yet, have I?…Sorry, I know you don’t like talk like that. No…I haven’t heard from Sarah. Maybe tomorrow. Wishful thinking, right? I’m due for a Christmas miracle…What, come over now?…You just got Hulu? Is anyone else there?… I don’t know, maybe you have a gentleman friend over…I know how old you are, mom, that shouldn’t make a difference…Ok, yeah, fine. Want me to bring anything?…No? You sure? I’ll bring some wine – the stores are still open…I know you don’t drink anymore, it’s for me…Yeah, I realize that too. It has been a long time since we spent Christmas Eve together. Don’t remember why we ever stopped…Yeah, I know, traditions change when we get older. Well, look where tradition got us. I’m alone at a bar that should probably have been burned to the ground decades ago, and you’re home alone watching Ralphie Parker daydream about a freaking gun for the fortieth year in a row…Ok, yeah, I’ll be there soon. No, it’ll be good…Yeah, me too.”

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For the first time in years, the howl of Christmas devils seemed quieter, as if their rage had all but dissipated with the tapping of the button on her phone. The bartender in the Santa hat suddenly didn’t look so silly or desperate. The men didn’t seem so annoying or sad. The bloodstains in the places where her memories cowered were harder to see. And the Christmas tree against the wall didn’t look so shabby. Most of all, the warm beer in her glass tasted awful. Why did she ever settle for this swill? Mary set the glass down on the rickety table and stood up from her chair. Sauntering past the other people inhabiting the bar, she headed for the front doors without the slightest glance behind her. There was a corner store nearby that sold wine and Mary had just enough money in her pocket for one bottle.

THEIR FIRST TASTE ~ Originally published in Literary Yard, December 12, 2025.

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Since I was a child, I had heard tales of the People. A group of nameless survivors who braved the desolate lands long after the sky was scorched. They were a myth to some. Others, the last hope of mankind. No one knew their names. No one knew what they looked like or how many they numbered. Some believed they were part human and part animal. Covered in fur or scales, depending on who was telling the tale. Some believed they dwelt beneath the sea, coming ashore only every full moon to taste the air – or what passed for air now. Some believed they hid in the mountain caves, copulating with beasts, though only for pleasure. For the People could not procreate. This was their curse. The People could not make new life. When the sky became scorched, they still lived above ground. The People were hurt, their bodies damaged, and when the last of them expired, the People would be no more. They had but one chance. They must wait until a new life emerged to join them.

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What happened if and when this new life appeared to them, no one could say for sure. Some believed the child would grow and mature, and one of the People would mate with them, since the child’s body had not been damaged with the scorching of the sky. Some believed the child would merely be a symbol of faith and renewal. It would rise up and lead the People to an oasis of untouched land, where the soils were still fertile and the waters clean. Then the People would heal and be able to increase their numbers again. No one knew for certain. There were only the tales that foretold these events, and there were many variations. Only one thing every tale agreed upon, its phrasing never deviating from one story to the next: the child would be the People’s first taste of new life.

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My tribe, we live beneath the ground. An endless network of tunnels and caverns, away from the foul air, polluted waters, and the beasts that would make us their food. Our numbers are dwindling. Age, pestilence, famine, and toxic parasites and molds have been harvesting our lives over time. We eat the fish in the subterranean streams, the lichen that coat the dank walls, and the roots that peek out from beneath the earthen floors. But these things are becoming scarce. There is not enough for everyone, and many have gone without. The elders were the first to surrender their portions to the young, the strong. Soon, however, the young became the old, and the only ones left were me and two others – a man and woman who told me they are my parents. But no one knows for sure. It does not matter. We live and die by our willingness to help each other survive. We are each other’s father, mother, sister, or brother. Whatever you need us to be. Yet no more. Only the three of us remain.

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One day I awoke in the darkness. This was unusual since it was custom to keep the torches burning to ward off the worms, scavengers that did not pass up a meal of living flesh if they happened upon it. Yet it was not the darkness that roused me. Nor was it a troubling dream. I did not dream anymore, not since I was a child and first heard about the People. No, it was the sound of a crying babe.

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I stood up from the ground and followed the strange sound, one I had never heard before. Yet I could still recall the mewling of kittens and whimpering of puppies from the old days, so I knew the sound to belong to a creature fresh with life. Its pitiful tone was human, and I was instantly compelled to protect it and guard it from harm.

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When I reached the place where the babe lay on the ground, the man and woman who were my parents were standing over it, perplexed yet fascinated. For there was another part of the old tales that most but not all agreed upon. When the child came into being, whatever remained of the tribe would perish, and only the youngest and strongest of them would survive to bring the child to the People. This bleak realization gradually stole over my parents as they stared down at the naked babe, whose arms and legs clenched with every bellowing wail. If it was not quieted soon, it would attract the worms – or worse.

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Yet my parents did not become afraid as the reality of their fate became known to them. They resigned to its truth, because they knew they had no other choice, no power to stop events as they were meant to occur.

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I bent down and lifted the child up off the ground with my pale-white arms, and it immediately grew silent. It stared hard into my eyes, its pupils large and dark. In turn, I stared back. I determined the child was male, but I did not give it a name. None of us had names, there was no need. I could not wrap the shivering babe in clothes, for we had none. No one of the tribe covered their bodies. We did not have access to animal hides with which to fashion garments. Over time, our skin grew hard like leather and adapted to our earthen environment, strewn with sharp stones and jagged rock. Yet in my arms, even without the meager comfort of a blanket, the child grew lax. As if the small creature felt instinctually safe.

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I could see my parents staring at us. They knew what must be done. And they knew what would happen to them once it came to pass. They told me to leave the underground realm and never return. If I ever came back, they would not be there. They did not know how the child came to be, who brought it to our lair, or who birthed it. They found it as I had done. They only knew its purpose, according to the old tales. The child must be brought to the People, their first taste of new life. Only then will mankind persevere. Only then will we be saved.

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My father turned and left. When he returned a moment later, he carried strange objects in each hand. He told me the item in his left hand was called a bow and his right hand held a quiver of arrows. He explained how they worked and assured me so long as my aim was true, I would never miss. Nor would the quiver ever run dry, regardless of how many I fired. He did not say how he knew these things. The objects were left behind by the first of the tribe, before the scorching of the sky, and blessed by a madman, who was believed to be the first teller of the old tales. I did not test the validity of my father’s words. I only accepted them as truth.

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My mother assured me that for the duration of my quest, both the babe and I would never tire, become hungry, or grow thirsty. We would not become ill or require sleep, and the beasts would not find us appetizing. When I asked what need I might have for weapons then, my father simply said there are greater dangers than the beasts that lurk beneath the scorched sky. They reminded me the child would be the People’s first taste of new life, and the future of mankind rested with me. I did not need to be reminded. It was all I could think about now. I imagined future generations of people, civilizations sprouting up with the child’s arrival, and their thriving numbers beating back the darkness. New minds would invent ways to clean the soil, the air, the water, and heal the sky. New minds that would come from new lives. New lives that would begin with the child. The People would make all of this so. Perhaps I would not see it in my lifetime, but knowing I would help bring it about was enough to fill me with righteous purpose.

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I do not remember when I went to sleep that night. I do not remember anything leading up to the following morning. When I awoke, my parents were no longer there. I knew they were not a part of this world anymore, though I did not know the nature of their fates. The child lay peacefully on the ground as if in wait. Without preamble, I lifted the child, shouldered the bow and quiver, and made my way for the tunnels I knew led to the lands above.

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I trusted my parent’s last words, though I had no reason to. They were not even sure what they told me was true. But I had no choice. The child must be brought to the People. He must be their first taste of new life. And I would be the one to bring him there.

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Throughout our journey, we encountered many types of weather. We pushed through violent snows. We passed beneath angry rains. We navigated the hot blowing sands. Yet both the child and I remained impervious. Never once did I feel fatigue, hunger, or thirst, as my mother had promised. Nor did the child appear to either. The beasts remained in the shadows. I was given no map or shown directions to my destination. I did not know where the People lived. Nor did my parents. I knew where to go regardless. Despite our resistance to the harsh elements, and our ability to ignore the mortal needs of our bodies, I remained vigilant nevertheless, my bow always at the ready. In one arm, I cradled the child, who rarely stirred, only to play with the ends of my long hair or beard with its tiny fingers. In the other, I held my bow. The quiver was strung around my shoulder, the ends of the arrows within reach.

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After many days and nights of traveling, I knew we had crossed over into a new region. Yet our surroundings remained unchanged. Desolate, gray, and still. The air was thick and unrefreshing, as always. The light toyed with the darkness, teasing it with its dull illumination. The child and I were unfazed, and so we continued, until we at last reached a clearing of sorts. The dry, powdery earth before us appeared without scatterings of rock or pieces of deadwood. Only a single boulder stood in the center, like a forgotten altar, and atop this stone was a scorpion. It sat facing us as if expecting our arrival. I knew at once the scorpion was not what it seemed, and I believed it understood I was aware of this.

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I approached the scorpion, and when I stood a respectful distance away, I gently lowered the child onto the ground, who lay quietly staring up at the sky.

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“Who are you that bars my way?” I asked the scorpion. “For you are no mere beast, are you?”

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“You assume correctly,” replied the scorpion, though I only heard its voice in my mind, which was like a stick slowly scratching words in the dirt. “For I was once a god to the People. I taught them how to love. Once they harnessed this ability and were able to express this emotion independently, they showered me with praise and adoration. In return, I gave them what they asked for and needed. When the sky was scorched, they believed I had punished them, so they loved me no more. The People became hateful creatures. I was thus spurned, despised, and eventually forgotten, though each and every one of them can still love, if they so wish to. Children are born without hatred. Give me the child, and I will restore the People’s goodness.”

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“I cannot do this thing,” I told the scorpion who was an estranged god.

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“Very well,” said the scorpion. “Then you will not move forward.”

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The scorpion raised its stinger and began growing, larger and larger, until it was bigger than a man.

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In turn, I nocked an arrow and, with careful aim, fired my arrow into the scorpion’s face before it could lunge and impale me on the end of its vicious stinger.

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The scorpion’s body began to deflate, whatever passed for life seeping out through the wound I had inflicted. When its body lay shriveled and flat against the boulder, it began to turn to dust, though not before I heard in my mind the words, “Thank you.”

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Lifting the child once more, I resumed our journey.

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After some time, I once again sensed we had entered a new region. A similar realization overcame me as I studied my surroundings once more, the subtle changes and shifts in the air. When everything settled, I was standing in a clearing of fresh green grass, peppered with colorful flowers and bright red toadstools. No fallen leaf or stray stone littered the small area and in the middle stood the stump of a dead tree, fashioned into the semblance of a chair or throne. Atop this stump sat a creature that seemed both human and phantasm, its light-blue form translucent. It wore nothing resembling clothing, yet its body did not reveal its gender. Still, there was a face and eyes into which I could look. The eyes were like silver coins in which the light gleamed off in blinding rays. Yet I held the creature’s stare comfortably.

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“Who are you that bars my way?” I asked the creature, laying the child on the ground to gaze up at the sky. “For you are no mere fae, are you?”

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“You assume correctly,” said the creature, its melodic voice filling my thoughts as the scorpion’s had done. “For I am a spirit, and the essence of the People. I am the result of their actions, what remains long after they have committed these deeds. Whether for better or worse, I linger about their thoughts, their conscience, unifying their sense of morale into one cohesive energy, which nourishes their delicate will to continue. The People, however, are imperfect, and too many times have committed deeds most foul, ones damaging to both the individual and the collective. They are impulsive and act on their emotions, whether out of fear, guilt, or ignorance. Children are born without sin. Give me the child, and I will restore the People’s innocence.” 

​

“I cannot do this thing,” I told the spirit of the People.

​

“Very well,” said the spirit. “Then you will not move forward.”

​

Standing up from the stump, the spirit spread its arms out wide and leaned back its head. The spirit closed its eyes, and the light that once blazed forth was closed off at once. The grass, flowers, and toadstools all along the ground turned gray and brittle, until the ground itself resembled a pond of molten earth. Into this mire I slowly began to sink, along with the child, who did not appear afraid.

When I was standing in this strange pool up to my knees, I nocked an arrow and aimed it at the spirit, who did not seem unnerved by my threatening actions. I fired the arrow at the spirit’s heart, who turned into mist upon impact, the arrow disappearing into its cloudy form.

​

As the mist gathered and ascended upward, I rose up from the molten pool, which turned back into solid earth, yet without the grass, flowers, or toadstools growing upon it. I heard in my mind the spirit’s voice. “Thank you,” was all it said.

​

Lifting the child once more off the ground, I resumed our journey.

​

In time, I came upon a beach, whose shores were being accosted by the slow beating of an ocean tide. I had never seen such a large body of water before, much less one so vast that its ends and borders were unfathomable. These waves crashed gently against the sandy edge, as if taunting every grain for being unable to wash away into the ocean at will.

​

Floating over the water, mere inches from the surface, was a girl-child. She was dressed in a gown of sea foam, her long blond hair hanging down over her naked shoulders. The child sat casually as if bored with my presence, though I had only just arrived. When I looked closer, I could tell she was not bored, but had been expecting me. Thus, she was simply unaffected by my coming.

​

Now familiar with the protocols of these encounters, I lay the babe on the beach and said to the girl-child, “Who are you that interrupts my travels? For you are no mere child, are you?”

​

“You assume correctly,” said the girl-child, whose soft, fluid voice I heard with my ears. “I am a soul, and the heart of the People. When they were formless and new, I was each and every one of them. All of them who were, and all of them yet to be. I am their beginning, before experience, before regret, before love, and before pain. I am their ending, a place to which they will return when corporeal no more. Mortal existence cursed them with choices that shaped their destiny. I am sister to spirit and our purpose is similar. The People made decisions that paved pathways to what has become of their kind. Many of these decisions were made without prior knowledge of their fate, for none but my kind can see the future. The People were damned, regardless of their inability to foresee the results of their choices. They became divided, opposing each other with belief, philosophy, and various interpretations of morality. They broke into factions and defended the values on which they stood with their very lives, whether or not their sacrifice had any worth or positive effect. Children are born without corruption. Give me the child, and I will restore the People’s purity.”

​

At the very idea, I hesitated.

​

Was I tempted to surrender the babe and abandon my sacred quest? The girl-child was convincing in her sincerity, and I believed she was capable of what she claimed she could do for the People. And what sort of person would ever ignore the chance to be pure again?

​

Yet rationality quickly took hold, returning me to my sense of duty.

​

“I cannot do this thing,” I told the soul and heart of the People.

​

“Very well,” said the girl-child who was a soul. “Then you will not continue your journey.”

​

The girl-child closed her eyes and the water around her swelled. Waves grew into tidal giants, forming some distance behind the child and slowly creeping forward toward the shore. As they grew, the white of their foam roiled, lining the top of their crests like hundreds of stampeding white stallions, hell-bent on trampling any and all who stood in their path.

​

As I fitted an arrow to the bow string, I noticed an acrid smell in the air. Where once the ocean rang with the scent of salt and brine, now only a rancid, noxious odor remained. I knew then the water had been turned to poison, the kind that melted anything it touched.

​

I loosed my arrow at the soul of the People, and, upon impact, the girl-child dissolved into a spray of water. She became one with the ocean, whose tides quieted and returned to the endless rippling of slow-moving waves.

​

I heard in my mind the soul’s voice, whose words echoed like a fading memory. “Thank you.”

​

Lifting the child once more, I resumed our journey.

​

Following the sandy shore, I walked a great distance, never turning inland. When I reached the end of the shore, which rounded into a peninsula, I followed the curve of the land which led me to a bridge. The bridge that connected the edge of the shore to the land beyond was made of wood and metal. It had been built with care and precision and appeared to have stood usefully for longer than my mind could comprehend. I stepped onto the sturdy construction, bow and child in my arms, and crossed over into a new territory.

I sensed them near, the People. I could smell their ingenuity, their progress, and their cunning. It was in the air, which seemed thinner, cleaner, and easier to filter through my lungs. I detected the scent of freshly hewn trees for building, clay for molding, hot iron for welding, and strongest of all, freshly skinned animals for tanning. These smells would never be found amongst my tribe. These materials were exotic and beyond our ability to craft or even locate. I ventured further, albeit more carefully. I could now hear voices, speaking in an articulate tongue, and not merely grunts and growls. Their speech was formal, spoken from learned tongues rich with knowledge. This intriguing sound aside, I only heard what likely amounted to a small number of beings.

​

I pressed on, not knowing what I would find or how I would be received. My grip tightened on the bow, and I pulled the child closer to me, even though I knew my purpose was to deliver the babe to these people.

​

Their first taste of new life. Their hope for the future of mankind.

​

What awaited me took me by surprise, despite being prepared for anything my imagination could conjure. A village lay spread out in a lush, shallow valley. Small domiciles made of lumber. A drinking well surrounded by stone. Storehouses and granaries. A steepled building with a large bell hanging in the belfry. Metalsmiths working a forge, tanneries, and corrals of livestock.

​

Beyond the modest structures, far in the background, lay a field of stone markers sticking up from the ground. There were many, all of which were in the throes of age and decay. They had stood for a very long time. Throughout this field were also cairns, both large and small. I even saw what appeared to be blackened patches of earth, the length and width of a full-grown man. These, too, were very old.

​

At one end of the village were rows of crops. Many different types of vegetables, each represented in a long straight line. They were plentiful and ripe. I knew then the inhabitants here never went hungry, nor was the weather ever unkind to their bounty.

​

Wandering about freely were the People. The men’s faces were shorn, their hair clean and neat. The women were demure and poised, their mannerisms soft and unassuming. All of them were clothed. Though their garments consisted mainly of hides, the items were practical and well-fitted. They wore shoes on their feet and carried satchels made also of hide. They pushed wagons with wheels, filled with sacks of seed and flour, and bales of hay. No one brandished anything in the way of a weapon, only tools. These humans did not know fear. And yet, they did not appear mirthful, as if they were merely going through the routine motions of the only life they had ever known.

​

The People were simply existing.

​

Most notable was their numbers. Perhaps ten at most, more if some lingered in the cottages or buildings nearby. No one appeared younger than middle age. Some appeared closer to the end than others. But there were no children. These were the People.

​

When I entered the village, everyone paused in whatever they were doing, as if time had suddenly frozen. Every pair of eyes were turned my way, but I knew they were not looking at me. They were looking at the child I carried. I took another step, but no one moved or looked away. Once I stood in the center of their humble civilization, they all turned their bodies to face me. No one spoke, and any conversation they had been in the midst of before my arrival ended abruptly. I was not instructed on what to do once I had reached this point in my journey, so I waited a moment for someone to give me direction. Yet no direction came.

​

I slowly rested my bow on the ground, and with both hands lifted the child in the air, presenting him to the People.

​

Their arms collapsed to their sides, their eyes widened, and their mouths slackened slightly, as if they were witnessing a miracle they had only dreamed about.

​

Then, one of the women moved cautiously forward, her mouth turned up into a curious grin.

​

She wrung her small hands together anxiously, and her breath quickened. She approached me as if I was merely a statue holding aloft the living creature in my hands. I was insignificant, nearly invisible. With both trepidation and reluctant excitement, she reached out with both hands for the child.

​

“Our first taste of new life,” she uttered reverently, never speaking above a loud whisper.

​

Then at once, every other person in earshot uttered, “Our first taste of new life,” before moving toward the woman, who had by now taken the child from me and was cradling it carefully in her arms.

​

I stepped away, still intrigued by all I was seeing. My chest swelled with warmth. They would take this child and care for it, prepare it for maturity and the perpetuation of humanity. Whatever that entailed. All looked on the child with the same reverence and awe as the woman. Every mouth was turned upward in varying degrees of joy. They moved closer, and the woman shifted the child in her arms so everyone could see him more clearly.

​

From the corner of my eye, I saw a few more bodies emerge from the various dwellings about me, and they too, moved toward the child. Joining the gathered group, everyone pressed closer, bathing in the vibrant hope that radiated from the tiny life in the woman’s arms. And still, no one acknowledged my presence or thanked me for having brought them the child.

​

I retrieved my bow from the ground, basking in the success of my achievement. I did not know what came next or what I was meant to do. Should I return to the underground caverns and tunnels where once lived my tribe, despite my parent’s instructions? Do I join the People and become one of them? They did not invite me to partake of their world, and I lacked the sophistication and skills to contribute anything worthwhile to their way of life. I decided to leave, yet I would not return from whence I came. I would begin a new life, based on everything I had learned and experienced during my journey. I had no friends, no family, and no mate, and so I would live as a hermit. I would be a civilization of one. I would construct a shelter and partake of food the earth, waters, and forests provided. Somewhere away from the People, yet close enough to share in their natural treasures. I had my bow and quiver of limitless arrows, after all. Having delivered the child to the People, I was content in this endeavor. It provided me with a sense of peace that would carry me through the remainder of my life.

​

As I turned to make my departure, I could hear them, repeating what the woman had said: Our first taste of new life!

They said this phrase, over and over, until it became a haunting chant.

​

And with every repetition, it sounded louder until nearly reaching the point of frenzy. Troubled, I turned back around in time to hear the child cry out.

​

From my perspective, I could not see the child as the crowd pressed their bodies even closer, heads bowed toward the object of their fixation.

​

But I knew.

​

I could hear teeth tearing plump, immaculate flesh, and the soft patter of blood on the earth. I could hear their breathing, air moving quickly in out of their mouths as they chewed. Even the rapid thumping of their hearts was made known to me.

Their first taste of new life.

​

I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, trying to deny these sounds. The bow fell from my hand and landed at my feet. I placed my hands over my ears, yet I did not think to walk away. Not yet. Only when the People had finished devouring the child, they turned as one to me. Their eyes glinted in the light of the sun overhead. But I could not tell whether they glinted with hope or hunger. Only that their eyes were filled with life. Every gaze brimmed with the ferocity of this living energy, yet I did not know if this quiet force was primal malevolence or the reinvigoration of their lost faith.

​

I knew only that I must run.

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